#but she cant fucking walk without getting dizzy and nauseous

[relicfragment]

Genuinely don't know what the fuck we're going to do lmao.

[brelione]

Just Wanna Be Happy (Pope HeywardxReader)

Warnings:Mentions of self harm,depression,medication,suicide.Please do not read if youre triggered by these topics.This wasnt written to glamorize mental illness this is kind of just my coping mechanism because I just got out of a depressing period.Depression effects people differently but this fanfic has ways that its effected me so yeah.

You had never been a very social person.Or a friendly person or even a happy person.You kind of just existed without purpose or reason.Its not like you didnt want to be happy because of course you did.It just wasnt something that could come naturally to you in your everyday life.It was summer and you had hardly left your house at all.Most time was spent in your room.It had been days since you had showered or brushed your hair or even changed your clothes.You hadnt done you laundry in weeks or eaten a proper meal in days.You were an absolute mess since you had stopped taking your medication.You didnt know why but you just couldnt bring yourself to take them anymore.You felt guilty for not replying to any of your friends messages.

“Hey :) do you wanna hang out with us tomorrow?”Read Tuesday 9:48 PM. “Hey have you been taking your meds?Your mom wanted me to check up on you :)”Read at 1:48 PM today.

Your mom was staying with family in California this summer to work on a book.She would transfer ten dollars to your bank account everyday.You hadnt spent any of it.She had sent you countless texts to ask how you were doing or if you had gotten your refill.Your skin was dull from not seeing the sun,the hair on your legs had grown long and prickly and you smelt like absolute shit.You heard a knock at your door,the sound echoing through your empty house.You worked up the strength to get up,dragging your feet as you walked.You felt dizzy and nauseous as you walked,couldnt even feel your feet touching the ground.Your kitchen was an absolute mess,frying pan with maple syrup stuck to it and the sink full of dirty smelling dishes.You opened the door,blocking your eyes from the sun to see Pope.

He let out a sigh of relief,pulling you into a hug. “God (Y/N)!You cant do that!Jesus,I thought you died.”He sighed,squeezing you tightly.You didnt bother hugging back,letting your head rest against him. “I was getting worried about you-its been like two weeks since you’ve talked to me.”He grumbled,pulling away from the hug and observing your face.You had a couple of pimples across your forehead from not washing your face,your skin was splotchy and your eyes puffy. “Have you been taking your meds?”He asked.You didnt answer,watching as he walked over to the cabinet to pull out the orange pill bottle.It was still half full.He looked at the date that it was supposed to be refilled.Two days ago. “You have to take these every day!”He exclaimed.You sighed,not really caring.THis wasnt what you needed to hear right now.You didnt exactly know what you needed to hear but that was definitely not it.

 “When was the last time you showered?”He asked.You shrugged,not remembering.All the days had merged together.You slept a lot even when you didnt need it.The only time you really got up was to use the bathroom or vomit into your trash bin. “And the last time you ate?”He asked.You mumbled that you werent sure,embarrassed that someone had seen you in this state.He turned on your shower,letting the room get steamy from the hot water.He went into your messy room,making his way through the piles of crumpled paper and dirty clothing to your dresser.He grabbed you a new pair of underwear,a sportsbra,a loose t shirt and some comfy looking shorts.He assisted you in getting your hair out of the bun it was in,letting the snagglt knots loose. “I’m going to make you some food,okay?”You nodded.He closed the bathroom door.

You pulled off your dirty clothes,nearly gagging at the smell of yourself.You stepped into the shower,letting the burning hot water touch your back and head.You poured a fistfull of conditioner in your hair to try and help with the knots.You sat down,closing your eyes and letting the conditioner rinse out.You poured at least a fourth of the bottle of shampoo into your hair,scrubbing your scalp aggressively.You used the suds from the shampoo to wash under your arms and your back.You used the same suds in replacement of shaving cream to shave your legs only up to your knee.The water was going cold but you didnt care,laying down and letting the water smack your stomach.Pope knocked at the door before opening it. “(Y/N)?You okay?”He asked.You sat up,eyes still shut as you turned off the water. “I made you some frozen waffles.”He informed you before closing the door again.

You waited until all of the water went down the drain until you stood up,slowly stepping onto the bath mat.At least you didnt smell so disgusting now.What really worried you was brushing your hair out mostly because you knew it would hurt and half your hair would most likely fall out.You grabbed a towel,rubbing down your body.You had some faded scars on your thighs and calves but none on your wrist.Mainly because you knew no one would check your legs.It had been five months since you harmed yourself and you were proud.You probably would’ve relapsed eventually if you were even able to work up the energy to do it.You groaned as you saw the pimples on your face,grabbing your face wash that you hadnt used in so long.You scrubbed your face,rinsing the soap off and patting your skin dry.

You looked back up at the mirror.You could barely recognize yourself.You looked like a deformed radiation exposed raccoon.You saw the clothes Pope had picked for you,pulling them on over your damp skin.You slowly brushed your teeth,blood leaking from your gums as you did so.You dragged yourself out of the bathroom,the cold air of the kitchen hitting you.Pope wa sitting at your kitchen table.A plate of eggos sat on a paper plate,a cup of water sitting in front of it. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you later.”He offered as you sat down.You shook your head. “No...its fine.”You answered as you stared down at the plate. “You dont have anything to eat here.Let me go grocery shopping and cook for you.”He spoke softly,taking a pill from your prescription bottle and holding it in his palm.

 “Can you please eat so you can take this?”He asked.You took a bite of the eggo,wanting nothing more than to spit it out into the garbage.You chewed it to mush and swallowed,looking back at him. “Good.”He handed you the pill. “I dont want to take this.”You told him.He sighed,nodding. “I know,I know you dont but it’ll make you feel better.”He told you.You dipped your head back,dropping the pill in your mouth and sipping the water. “All I want is to be happy….why is that so much to ask for?”You grumbled,looking down at your cup.He reached out for your hand,rubbing his thumb along your palm. “You’ll be happy one day.If you take your medicine and make your environment better you’ll feel better.”He had probably read that bullshit in some book.You rolled your eyes. “What does that even mean?”You asked.You placed his hand over yours,tapping his nails against your fingertips. “Just let me take care of you until your mom gets back,alright?”He asked.You hummed,too tired to argue.

He grabbed your hairbrush and a bottle of detangler from your bathroom and got to work on your hair.It didnt hurt too bad and he was careful with your hair almost like it was precious gold. “Do you wanna watch a movie?”He asked.You shrugged but followed him to your living room.It was the one room besides your mothers that you hadnt completely fucked up.He went on Disney Plus and allowed you to flick through the titles until you found something you liked.You chose Inside Out.He grinned at you,kissing your forehead before disappearing into your room.He picked up the clothes off your floor and assumed they were dirty,tossing them into your washing machine.

He stuffed your trash bin full of all the paper and random trash on your floor.He grabbed the stacks of plates,forks and molding mugs from you floor and on top of your dresser.He did a load of dishes,switching your clothes from your washer to your dryer.You had fallen asleep on the couch with the movie still on.He made your bed for you,killing a few bugs that had been hiding under all of the trash.He called his dad. “Pope?You okay?” “mhm..yeah.Um...im gonna be away from home for a while.” “What-no the hell you’re not.” “Dad-” “No-what am I gonna do with all these grocery deliveries?” “Dad-Its (Y/N).” Silence. “Is she….uhh..” “No-no.She’s been off her meds and i think someones gotta be here to take care of her while her moms out of town.” “Alright...just be careful with her.”The call ended.Pope sighed as he looked at your room.It was much much cleaner now that he was done with it.

He sat down on the couch next to your sleeping figure,paying attention to the movie in front of him.You sat up tiredly,wrapping your arms around his torso and moving him so you could rest your head on his tummy. “I think thats whats happening to me.”You spoke,gesturing to the TV.Joy and Sadness had just left the headquarters which left only fear,anger and disgust.He nodded,understanding what you were trying to tell him. “Maybe.”He replied.You sighed,tracing circles onto his skin through his shirt. “I wanna learn how to be happy...it might take a while but I just wanna be happy,you know?”You asked.He hummed,moving his arms so he was holding you. “I’ll help anyway I can.”He promised,stroking your hair lightly.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Out of The Hive, Into The Cocoon

[Wing AU]

Wing Reference

Word count: 2284

Prompt: “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.”

--------------------

  “I don’t feel that well…”

  “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.”

Jane rolled her eyes at Joan’s wounded expression. She canted her harpy eagle wings away, as if she were afraid the Flightless’s presence may dirty the pristine, shiny feathers. Joan noticed that, too, and looked even more hurt.

  “What’s going on this time?” Kitty asked loudly. Her glass butterfly wings are blindingly iridescent in the overhead fluorescent lights and make Joan feel even more dizzy and nauseous than she already was.

  “None of your business.” Joan snapped. She rubbed her wrists, which haven’t stopped burning since the night before. Her stomach was all cramped up, too, like something was trying to claw its way out of her.

  “Must not be important then,” Kitty said with a shrug.

  “Kitty’s right,” Jane said. “Don’t waste our time, Joan. We’re going to perform in an hour and don’t need you distracting us.”

  “But--”

  “If you felt bad, then you should have called in sick or left sooner.” Jane cut her off coldly.

She whisked away after that, leaving Joan alone in the hall to stew in embarrassment and increasing discomfort. Joan sighed and trudged to her dressing room to get ready, but was stopped by a sharp twinge in her wingbuds. She winced and reached back, but a pain in her wrists halted the movement. She yanked her arms forward again.

And her wrists burst open and silver came exploding out.

Silk.

Joan let out a cry of pain and jumped back, but the stuff pouring from her followed like starved snakes. It began to wrap around her arms and legs and chest, and she desperately tried to tear the silk off of her, but not only was it sticky, but it was also really strong and refined. She scratched and pulled, but it either stuck to her hands or just didn't come off. She frantically covered the slit in one of her wrists, trying to stop the flow, and the strands merely wove around her fingers and consumed them.

She tottered backwards and sunk to her knees, overcome by an intense feeling of nausea like she hadn’t eaten in years, every energy source in her body--fats, carbs, calories, sugars--were being burned away by this hellish process. She opened her mouth to scream or cry for help, but found that she couldn’t even muster up a mere squeak of noise. Cramps seized her stomach in a vice grip, like all her organs were being shredded inside of her. Her vision was starting to fade out as the silk wrapped around her neck and face and she wondered if this was how she died. She suffocates because of some mutation she doesn’t even understand.

Joan doesn’t want to die, not like this, not again, not without flying at least once, not without a single person who cares about her…

Then, blackness. The silk wrapped around her entire body until she looked mummified, and then spun itself larger and larger and larger.

The last thing she heard was someone stepping into her dressing room, telling her she was needed by someone on tech, and then nothing.

She prayed they would help her.

------

Everyone stared in shock at the silvery-gold cocoon sitting in the corner of the dressing room. It was the shape of an egg lying on its side and was so thick with silk that none of them could see the music director inside. It just sat there, glowing faintly, not showing any signs of breaking open anytime soon.

  “She did not…” Maggie said, trailing off, flabbergasted.

  “She did too.” Maria affirmed.

  “What the fuck?” Jane said. “I thought she was Flightless. She is Flightless. What happened?”

  “You sound disappointed.” Bessie commented. Her big bat ears were swiveling around, as if she were trying to listen for any signs of life inside the cocoon.

Jane ruffled. “I’m--” Her tail feathers bristle, wings twitching in agitation. “I’m just confused.”

  “Uh huh.” Bessie nodded, deftly dodging the glare Jane shot her by wing her ears to block out the corners of her vision.

  “It’s definitely an insect avian cocoon,” Cathy said. She stepped forward and tapped the cocoon. “Maybe she was just a really late insect and not actually Flightless.”

  “There’s no way!” Kitty barked. She almost looked jealous at not being the only butterfly anymore.

  “Well, whatever it is,” Cathy went on, “it’s going to make performing difficult for the next week until she comes out.”

  “IF she even comes out,” Anne said, and Jane looked slightly wistful at that concept.

  “We could always cut it open,” Kitty suggested breezily. “Get her out early.”

Aragon shot Kitty a disgusted look. “Don’t your insides melt during metamorphosis?” She asked. “If we cut her out, she’ll probably die. And not entirely be a solid person anymore.”

  “Oh.” Kitty said, then shrugged nonchalantly. “Meh. Oh well.”

  “Well,” Cleves said, “we got a lot of waiting to do.”

------

Aragon resisted the urge to smash her wings into Maggie’s head when the magpie poked the fragile structure of Joan’s cocoon, and she wasn’t sure why.

  “How long will this take?” Maggie asked, already impatient even though it’s only been a day since Joan started metamorphosis.

  “A week, I think.” Cathy answered.

  “A week?!” Both Maggie and Anne yelped.

  “We’re never going to get our MD back!” Anne groaned dramatically, flopping out her wings.

  “What a shame,” Jane mused.

  “Yes we will?” Cathy tilted her head at Anne. “She’s coming out eventually.”

  “Yes,” Aragon agreed. “A week is fine. She can take all the time she needs.”

The others glanced at her strangely, but she ignored them. Just like how she was trying to ignore the weird maternal instincts welling up inside of her.

------

  “Is it now? It is happening? Is that a sign? What does that mean?”

  “I will throttle you if you don’t shut up.”

Anne snickered at Aragon’s annoyance, then fixed her eyes back on Joan’s cocoon. It was as plain and still and boring as the day before. And the day before that.

  “Nothing is happening,” Aragon added. “It looks exactly the same.”

  “Are you sure?” Anne said. She waved a parrot green wing at one side of the cocoon. “Doesn’t that side look a little crinkled? Hey, Kit!” She turned to her cousin passing by in the hallway. “Is this a sign she’s going to come out?”

  “Sure,” Kitty said, not caring.

  “This is so boring.” Anne said to Aragon. “I’m gonna go find something else to do. You were right.”

Aragon rolled her eyes in amusement at the bird, then fixed her eyes on the cocoon.

  “Come out when you’re ready, Joan,” She said. “I’ll be waiting.”

------

By the fourth day, most people stopped gawking at the cocoon. Only a few workers would stop by to look at it, but quickly went on with their work, not really caring anymore. The lump of silk was sort of just there now, almost forgotten. Just like Joan had been.

------

On the fifth day, Aragon found Kitty alone in the dressing room, staring intently at the cocoon with a look in her eye that Aragon did not like. When she was noticed, Kitty flicked her wings dismissively and walked out without a word. That night, Aragon dreamed of the cocoon being ripped open and Joan coming out in agony, horribly disfigured and screaming.

------

For the eleventh time on the sixth day, Aragon counted the food she had bought. Fruits and vegetables, cookies and chips, cheese strings and slices of sandwich meat-- She worried her talons in her feathers and hoped it would be enough for when Joan woke up. Cathy had said Joan was going to be extremely hungry when she woke up, so she was just preparing, that’s all. Nobody else was going to, so she just decided to do it herself. That’s all. There were no maternal implications going on at all. Nope. None.

Aragon stole a glance back at the faintly glowing cocoon in the corner. It looked exactly the same as it did six days ago. 

Or did it?

Aragon walked over to the cocoon, circling around it for a moment before kneeling beside it. She carefully placed both hands on the surface, folding her wings away, and pressed her head against the woven material.

  “Joan? Can you hear me?” She whispered softly, so softly, like she was afraid she might disturb the girl inside. “It’s Catalina, Joan. I’m here. I’m right here. You’re doing great, sweetheart. You’ll look so beautiful once you get out of there, baby girl.”

Aragon found that she was missing the girl. Like, really badly. She missed Joan’s shy smile and her gentleness and how she was always so passionate about music, even if it took everything out of her. She missed everything about the timid little music director, and she hadn’t realized how much she enjoyed seeing her everyday, even if they didn’t talk that often, until right now.

And then the silk moved against her skin, a slight push and give, as though the avian inside was nudging her back or saying that she missed her, too.

------

It was late afternoon of the seventh day when the cocoon moved. Aragon and Cathy, who were both in the dressing room waiting, snapped their heads up in sync, watching closely as if they thought that if they looked away for even a second the week would start all over again.

Right when they started to believe it had been their imagination, the cocoon moved again. And, this time, it wasn’t spotted in the corner of their peripheral vision.

Joan was coming out.

  “It’s happening.” Aragon said after everyone was gathered in the dressing room, as if they didn’t already know that. She grabbed and squeezed Cleves’s arm tightly, not realizing that her talons were digging in. “Do you remember your metamorphosis?” She snapped her head around to Kitty. “Is there anything we should do when she comes out? What if she needs help getting out of the cocoon? Can she get out on her own?”

  “Oh my god,” Kitty groaned in annoyance. “I don’t know!”

  “How can you not know?!” Aragon squawked, beating her wings. “You literally went through this!!”

  “I forgot.” Kitty shrugged.

  “No you didn’t.” Aragon growled. “You’re just not saying anything because you want to be a selfish--”

A crack split down the front of the cocoon. Aragon shut her mouth instantly before she could finish her scolding and whipped her gaze forward again. Fingers with new, tiny curved claws grabbed the edges of the slice and began pulling open, then clawing when that didn’t work. 

  “Is she okay?” Aragon asked. “She looks like she’s struggling. Is she struggling? Cathy, is she okay?” She looked at her goddaughter, sinking her talons deeper into Cleves’s arm. She didn’t even hear Cleves’s hiss of pain.

  “She’s fine, Catalina.” Cathy assured her. “From what I’ve read, this is normal. Just give her a moment.”

Aragon swallowed thickly, but nodded and looked forward again.

Hand prints could be seen pressing against the inside of the cocoon as the silk bindings were slowly scratched away. After a moment of fighting with the structure (and Kitty muttering, “I got out a lot faster than this” underneath her breath), an arm poked out, then another...and then another. 

Right. Insect avians have four arms. That’s probably going to be daunting to Joan after having only two for so long. 

The three visible arms, which were all covered in a thick, dripping shag of pink-yellow fluff from the elbow down, dug their claws into the surface of the cocoon, tearing and crinkling the silk, and then a familiar head popped out.

  “Joan,” Aragon breathed. “Joan, we’re here. I’m here. You’re doing so good!”

  “When did you start caring so much?” Jane asked, but shut up when Cathy nudged her.

Elegant golden antenna that looked like feathers unfurled from the crown of Joan’s head and waved in the air. Tufts of pink and yellow, like the fuzz on her arms, were matted by wetness on her ears. When she shoved more of her upper body out of the shredded cocoon, they all could see that 1) she was completely naked from her clothing being eroded by the cocoon’s fluids, and 2) there was more of that pink and yellow fluff on her chest and belly. It completely covered up her breasts until it looked like she didn’t even have any anymore (maybe she didn’t), and her ribs could just barely be seen under the blanket of fur, which was so long it reached down her torso. Her flat stomach had patches, too, making it soft and fuzzy, much different from the chitin on Kitty, Cathy, and Maria. 

With a splash and a cascade of cocoon fluids, Joan collapsed forward on her stomach. A few of the spectators looked away from her nakedness and stepped back from the liquids now spilled across the floor, but Aragon couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sight. Her heart was beating rapidly inside of her chest. She had the unresisting urge to run over and swaddle Joan in her wings.

Joan twitched on the ground, then took a deep breath. Fishhook-like claws scraped down against the tile as she tried to regain mobility. Cocoon fluid dripped off her wet hair and pale skin that was now bristled with fuzz. She unfolded her wings to let them dry, and everyone in the room gasped.

They were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Aragon had thought that Kitty’s glass-like wings were the prettiest wings to ever exist in the entire world, but not even their iridescence could live up to the beauty of Joan’s rosy maple moth wings.

Pastel pink and banana yellow swirled together in beautiful shades across fuzzy chitin, as if the sunset itself had bled itself upon Joan’s wings. They were gigantic and curved into the most precious shapes Aragon had ever seen before.

Joan looked up, and her eyes were rings of moon silver blinking from an abyss of solid black.

  “Ta-dah!” She squeaked hoarsely.

[sellidionne]

tw

so I realized I didnt put trigger warnings on my other posts talking about rape and I’m sorry. 

but I left out the fact that it was a tinder date. I actually left out a lot, I didnt tell the whole story and I havent told this to anyone in person either but I want to get it out somewhere. now, the guy from tinder wasn’t the one who raped me. it was another guy who was there, 

this is going to be a long post

the tinder guy and I talked for a litle bit here and there before I went. he seemed nice and would send me snaps every day. so at the time, it all felt like I had just misunderstood the situation but now that I think about it, it seems a little weird. 

so this guy was originally supposed to come pick me up from my house and we were going to go get food and maybe see a movie. but then he suggested me going there because we could eat something and then go swimming later since there was a pool in the backyard. I was up for it so I said okay and drove out there. 

when I was leaving he had told me it was only 25 minutes. my gps said 48. I went anyway. then I got there I learned that its not even his house, its his friends and they were having a small pool party. I didnt expect there to be other people but I figured that he probably wanted to see how I got along with his friends and everything and there was a girl there so I just sat with her while he ran out to the store for snacks and stuff. she was really nice and the guys kind of stuck to themselves playing in the pool, I felt fine about the whole thing. 

now,, tinder guy said hello when I got there and introduced me to his friends but then he kinda didnt pay any attention to me for the rest of the time that we were outside. and it didnt bother me then, he was playing in the pool, I wasn’t, so it kinda just made sense. but then we all went inside and were going to smoke on the screened in porch, the girl went in to pee and then the guys went in to get alcohol and to roll so i was left out on the porch for a while because they all ended up standing in the kitchen talking while two of the guys rolled and the other made drinks. I just stayed on the porch since i was smoking a cigarette but tinder guy eventually came out and sat and talked with me for a little bit. everyone else came about 10 minutes later so we all started smoking and drinking. 

now, I dont smoke often but I can smoke a whole blunt by myself and be fine. we shared between 8 people (a couple of other people came after a while). and I can drink an entire bottle of fireball and just be tipsy. now idk what was up with me that night but I had one shot and two moonshine soaked cherries and then only hit the blunt 4 times and at first I was fine but then i started to feel nauseous and then I felt hot in the face but cold on the back of my head and I felt incredibly dizzy. so i got off of the stool i was sitting on and went and got on the couch that was on the porch. i sat there and just waited it out. 

by the time the nausea went away, most of the people went inside to play video games (including tinder guy) and I was left outside with two of the guys. guess who being one of them. the three of us talked for about 20 minutes or so and then the guy that owned the house started telling everyone he was going to bed so people started leaving. it ended up being just me, tinder guy, and ‘you know who’ left (I dont know what to call him.). tinder guy was still inside but the other guy asked me if I could give him a ride home, said that the guy that brought him home left and that he was on the way to where I was headed. I said sure. tinder guy came back out and offered to give him a ride home shortly after but he told him that I already would. now, this conversation at first made me feel like he wasnt wanting me to give him a ride, and idk maybe he didnt and im just reading into it too much, but heres what happened. 

tinder guy asked if I was sure, I said I didnt mind since it was on the way and I had already told him yes. he told me that he could take him and I still said it was fine. now i took that as him either being nice or possibly being jealous that i was gonna drive another guy home even though i came to see him. but I was honestly a little annoyed that he ignored me for all but 10 minutes the entire night and that it was 1 am and i still had to drive another 48 minutes and be at work in the morning but I was also just trying to be nice and save him having to go the opposite way from his house to take this guy home. so I said I would. 

we all started saying goodbye to each other, the guy who lived there went inside so the three of us went out to the yard, and I started walking to the car. but it wasnt until I got to the car that I realized the guy wasnt following me so i just sat on the hood of the car and waited. it was about 15 minutes before he came to the car and I guess wiinder guy went back in because he didnt come through the gate. I didnt think anything of it, I thought they were just talking about something you know? like theyre friends right? we’ll touch on this later. 

so ‘you know who’ got in the car and I turned my lights on and realized someone had parked behind me. I dont know why I didnt realise that until after I got in the car, i still had some of that weird lightheaded feeling and my brain was a little foggy but I figured I had driven while high before so id be fine. I couldnt figure out how to get around the car without driving all over the guys lawn though and he was trying to direct me on what to do but I didnt want to hit another car (some people stayed the night there so there were about four cars around mine) so he offered to do it and I let him get in the drivers seat. 

so once we got out of the driveway, I expected him to stop and get out but he kept going and asked if it was okay if he drove to his house so he wouldnt have to give me directions. it made sense to me at the time because he knew where he was going, I didnt. and even though i wasnt liek ‘i cant walk or speak’ high or drunk but i did have slightly delayed reactions. and i remember him asking how I knew tinder guy so I told him from tinder and he asked if it was supposed to be a date and I think i said that I wasnt sure. but I know that i wasnt hearing some things he was saying because at one point he had apparently been asking me if he could ask me a question but I didnt answer so he typed it on his phone and held it in front of my face instead. I hadnt smoked in a while so I think thats why I did got so high before and was still high at this point but I mean i dont really smoke much anyway and that feeling has only happened one other time when I smoked a blunt and a half by myself and held my breath on the last inhale. but this was only four hits so its odd when I think about it. 

but the question he asked me basically boiled down to asking me if i wanted to fuck. it just took him 5 minutes of elaborate explaining to do that. I said that wasnt what I came here for and that I needed to go home because i had work. 

at this point, we had pulled into a neighborhood but I’m pretty sure he just drove the car around in circles all over the neighborhood either a) to confuse me about where his house was because they all look the same or b) to stall. probably both. because I have no idea which house was his or how we even got there, i just remember it was on the right side. and he also spend 15 minutes driving around this neighborhood trying to talk me into hooking up. he kept saying that it was an opportunity, that it was something I’d be able to tell my kids when I got older, that i would never have to hear from him again. I kept telling him that i wasnt going to, that i shouldnt, that i couldnt, but since i didnt say no he parked the car and asked if i wanted to. i hesitated, was going to say no but then he started talking again and gave his whole ‘this is an opportunity; speech again. and it honeslty was like he was asking so many questions and talking so much and I was trying to process it all at once but it all just like mixed together so I just interrupted him

I finally turned completely in my seat and looked at him, apologized, told him that I thought he was nice and i thought he was good looking but that I needed to go home and that i wasnt going to do that tonight because I could tell that I wasnt able to focus good, because I couldnt, my head was hurting and it felt like I was only processing things after they happened, and he said “okay but can I at least get a kiss? just one?”. I hesitated and tried to laugh it off and again, said that I couldnt but he started leaning to me and I honestly wasnt that opposed to just kissing him, like i said I didnt think he was bad looking or anything (although dont remember anything about his facial features anymore) so I didnt move and let him kiss me. it was a bit of a long kiss and he had his hand in my hair but when I felt him put his other hand on my thigh I pulled away and said that I had to go home again but he pulled me back and kissed me again and he started putting his hand in my shirt and it didnt even register until his hand was almost completely in my bra but I pushed it down and pulled away and I did say no to that, i remember that, so then he just sat there and tried to talk me into letting him touch me. I admit, I wasnt opposed to just like making out and messing around, I kind of liked the attention at first (key words),  I just didnt want to have sex. so when he kissed me again i didnt really do anything but kiss back. 

but then it just got harder and he shoved his tongue down my throat and I tried to kiss back a little bit but then it honestly felt like he was going to crush my head inbetween his hand and his face like it wasnt even like he was kissing at that point,  it was like he was just using his mouth to shut me up he was just pushing so hard so I started trying to pull away and to talk and everything but it wasnt working because I he was holding the back of my head and then he put his hand in my pants and started touching me and put mine in his and it was at that point that I thought maybe I should just compromise so i pulled away as much as i could and told him that I would give him head but I wouldnt have sex with him. I didnt really want to do that but I was more willing to do that than have sex with him. he said he wanted to go somewhere more private. I knew that was a bad idea but I also didnt say anything because I also didnt want to be walked up on while I was giving head you know?  so he drove down the road a little bit and to a spot with no houses, there was a pond on the right side a little away from the road and I could see houses down the road on the left but there weren’t any directly around us. I started giving him head, I was leaned over the middle console and he kept trying to pull my leggings down but every time he did, I sat up so he finally like smacked his lips and said ‘fine, I’ll just take the head then’ and thats when he started holding me down and he held me down so long once that I felt like i was going to choke or throw up or something. he put his hand in my pants again and put his fingers inside of me but i pulled his hand away and when he let go I immediately sat up again.

 I thought about just getting out of the car and i dont know why i didnt, why it took me so long to do it but when I started to reach for the door he reached over me and pulled the lever so the back of my seat went down and he started to get on top of me and i just panicked a little bit but I just started talkign, i kept saying that I couldnt and that I wasnt going to and that i wasnt on birth control ( I was but only had been for a week and a half) and he said ‘fuck that’ I’ll pull out’ but I said that pulling out was shit because I could still get pregnant and went to sit up and push him away but that was when he hit me in the face and got me in the nose and it burned and i guess it kind of just stunned me? i dont know but like my head was pounding after that even though it didnt break or i wasnt bleeding, it just hurt a lot and he pulled my shirt up and unhooked my bra so he could pull it up. he was sitting on my thighs and had one of my arms held against the seat and I had used the other to check if I was bleeding but it didnt feel like I was so i was going to try to push myself up or push him off or something when he got up a little bit to take my pants off but then he elbowed me in the face and that one got me in the mouth and my top and bottom teeth pierced into my lips a little bit on the right side  and then he did it again and that split my bottom lip 

so after that, idk I just went with it and let him do it. i even helped him get my shoe off when he couldnt get my leggings off around it.. and while he was doing.. that. he kept yelling at me to move up in the seat and when I didnt move enough (I was scared but I didnt want to move to make it easier so I only moved like an inch), he pushed me up and then put himself inside of me and he held my head up and told me to look. he held my head like that almost the whole time but I closed my eyes or tried to just look to my side out the window instead. 

then when he was done, he got out on my side and pulled his pants up, and got back in the car. but I didnt close the door when he got out so I just sat there with it open and stared at the road for a minute before he asked if I was ready so I finally stood up to at least put my pants back on but left my bra unhooked and half off because I didnt want to take my shirt off to fix it.  and then he drove back to his house when i got back in. once we got back there, he was looking for his wallet and reaching between the seats and everything and I honestly hoped he wouldnt find it and assume he left it at the guys house so I could just get his name but he finally did. so we got out and he started to go around the front of the car towards his house so i went around the back to get in the front seat but he came back around and made me hug him and when I hugged him he said ‘dont you fucking tell anybody” and then as he started walking back he said it was ‘our little secret’ and made the ‘shh’ sign at me. 

so after that i just drove down the road a little bit and fixed my bra and shirt and put my gps on and literally raced out of that neighborhood and once i got on the main road i just started bawling. 

now the point of saying all of this was not just to get what happened out there so somebody knows (I havent even told my parents or best friend all of this. i just said that i was raped and that he hit me once. i didnt say that i have speculations that i may have been slipped something in my drink. i didnt say that i was going to compromise. i didnt say that i was high. i didnt say that he busted my lip (by the time i told anyone, it had started healing over enough that i could pass it off as just me picking at chapped lips). and i dont know why but I feel like the more details the more it would hurt or something?? 

but I think tinder guy may know about it. or maybe thats why he invited me. I dont know. because the day before he was talking about us going somewhere and then he asked if I had any female friends because he had a friend that was single and needed a girl but my friends are all in relationships. so the fact that he left me outside with this guy a few times makes me wonder if he was actually said friend. 

and the next day I asked him if he knew that guys name. but he said he had just met him that day, that he only knew a nickname. but for the next three days he was on his snapchat. im pretty sure that was him. i dont know why i cant remember his face, i mean it was dark the whole time we were outside but maybe because i didnt think much of him so i didnt pay attention much when we were actually in the light on the porch? I just saw a guy with a hat and a short goatee and a septum piercing that night and then there was a guy with a hat and a short goatee and septum piercing on his snapchat for three days in a row afterwards and he hasnt sent me anything since. I finally took him off of there today, even though he may not have had anything to do with it, hes friends with the guy so I want nothing to do with him. 

[writeanddelight-blog]

Mirror #1

⚠️Trigger warning : this story includes sensitive topics ⚠️ "So, this is honestly very uncomfortable too do but let's give it try. Well, uhm hello me? My god this is so weird. Im not going to talk to myself in the mirror i dont care what mrs. x thinks. This wont work and it will only make me feel even more weird." She says while looking at her own reflection. Hazel eyes and blonde hair pale sickish looking skin and a tired stare. "I truly look even more like shit than I thought, lovely" " okay listen up Riley, this is what my therapist suggested and we both know that we hate her but i assume she has her job for a reason so we got to give this a real try" she glanced at herself in her mirror observing her face. "Why do i always look so angry" Riley looked at herself again and stared into her own eyes and then tilted her head slightly to the right. "Alright then weirdo" She looked again and wiggled her eyebrows "Hey girl" She slightly chuckled and shook her head . " what am I doing with my life " "Talking to a mirror duh cant you fucking see you fat stupid bitch" Rileys heart dropped to her stomach and she felt it skip a beat. She felt extremely nauseous. "What The ...." "Well hello to you too" the girl in the mirror responded Riley just stared. So in shock she couldnt say a single word. "You got some real issues" the girl said. Riley slowly sank to the ground and sat herself down with her back to the door and looked up at the mirror. The girl was gone. Riley looked infront of her and saw that the girl was sitting right there, right infront of her on the floor. very calm and reserved and looking forward into her own eyes. Riley was paralyzed. " oh c'mon im not that bad, atleast youve got someone to talk to know, right? What were you going to say anyways?" The girl said and looked at Riley as if she expected an answer. Riley didnt respond and just stayed as still as humanly possible. " so..? What were you planning to say? Oh wait let me guess. Some pathetic self love encouragement style bullshit wasnt it? " "Uh" is all Riley could say. "Yeah right i get it, you want to motivate yourself into thinking it will all get better in the end. Let me tell you this right now. Talking into the mirror wont help for shit. It wont make you feel better. You know damn well what would make you feel better" "No.." riley mumbled "Oh yeah you do" the girl said Riley slowly stood up with her back still pressed against the door. Holding onto anything in her reach to make sure she wouldnt fall. She felt so dizzy that she felt like she might actually pass out. "Well that feels horrible " the girl said while pressing her hands oh her forehead and stomach. "Why so nervous Riley?" "I dont know what to do okay, i dont know anything anymore. I cant fucking do anything to help myself" Riley said ready for a breakdown. "Hey hey Riley dont cry i know how you feel, and we know there is a way to feel better because that is what we want right? And what will make us feel better? Mmm? " Riley looked at the girl and the girl looked right back slowly coming closer. They both stood up. Rikey Walked to her mothers room and opened the closet door and leaned down to reach for the scale. She took it with her and walked back to the bathroom mirror and looked in it. " so, good job big girl. This is the best for you i just want to make sure youre happy and after all, talking to your reflection surely wont help anything, am I right? Now c'mon lets see what theyve done to you" said the girl who was back into the mirror. Riley slowly undressed and stepped on the scale. She felt tears well up in her eyes and with only blinking once she felt teardrops falling down on her feet. She looked down and tried to process what she saw. The numbers. "We gained weight didnt we " said the girl. "I..I.I .guess?" Said riley. "I said you gained weight, Riley. You let yourself go. Do you have any idea what kind of things will happen now huh? With your big thighs. Not so skinny anymore dont you think. I dont even think anyone will think you're sick. You sure as hell dont look like you are anymore." "Please I'm not okay" said riley breaking down in tears. "What do you want ? What do you really want?Cmon! Say it! " The girl shouted "I want them to care for me. I want to be loved. They're not going to care about me anymore. I have to be skinny" cried Riley. "Fucking exactly, so now you know, theyre trying to help you they say. No. Theyre trying to bring you back to how you were, how it all started. The lonely fat girl. Is that what you want? There is a reason you wanted to loose weight" said the girl in a soft and gentle tone. "I just never want to feel like that again.." riley said. "I know i know sweetheart. So thats why im here. To make sure you stay in control of your happiness" the girl said while giving Riley a smile. Riley looked up and saw that the girl was standing next to her holding her hand out. Riley took her hand and the girl pulled her up. "You know im just here to help, i know that you know" said the girl while she walked out the bathroom thru the hallway and down the stairs to the livingroom. Riley followed her. Riley saw her mom working on her laptop. She didnt see the girl anymore. Riley felt absolutely horrible. " mom can i talk to you im really upset "Not now riley im busy! -Okay" She felt that punch that she always feels when this happens. I never seem to ever pick the right moment Riley thought to herself. She felt so incredibly confused and sad. What to do. Does she listen to the girl. Or does she listen to the others? "Yeah uhm the others are the one you felt horrible in the first place and im here to help you. You know that." The girl appeared in the spot Rileys mom just sat a few seconds ago and started talking to her again. "Look i told you so" the girl said. " she's just busy with her job she workes really hard okay" "Bullshit" "She loves me " "Bullshit" Riley blinked and the girl was gone and her mom was back. Riley ran to her room. She sat down on her bed and started to cry She felt an arm around her slowly rubbing her back. "Hey dont cry, we can fix this" said the girl." You know what to do to make them love you" "Why dont you just leave me alone" " if you really wanted me to leave i wouldnt be here at all" "Please stay you're all i have left to come back to" said Riley "And that my dear is why ill always be here for you, they wouldnt love you without me. You dont know what happens without me. Its not safe without me. Who knows what happens." Said the girl while smiling "I just want to have people who love me and care about me" said riley softly "Isnt that all i have ever got people to do, sweetheart. So why would you let me go? "